Reclaiming Safety: How Trauma Shapes the Body’s Felt Sense

“Safety is not just an idea. It’s something we feel — in our muscles, in our breath, in the rhythms of our nervous system.”

What Does It Mean to Feel Safe?

Safety isn’t just about what our mind knows — it’s something we experience deep in the body.

The felt sense of safety lives in our nervous system. It shows up when our body feels relaxed and at ease — in the softening of our jaw, the ease in our breath, the way we move without bracing or tension. When we feel safe, our body reflects it.

But sometimes, even when our mind says, “I’m okay,” the body tells a different story.

When the Body Says “I’m Not Safe”

You might be in a peaceful environment, surrounded by people who care about you. Yet your body feels tight, your shoulders are clenched, your fists ball up without thinking, or your heart races without clear reason.

This disconnect is not uncommon — and it’s often rooted in trauma.

Trauma teaches the nervous system that certain places, times, or even sensations are dangerous, based on past experiences. For example, someone who experienced harm at night may continue to feel unsafe after dark, even years later. That lingering sense of threat isn’t imaginary — it lives in the body’s memory.

And sometimes, the reaction is instant and overwhelming.

A person may wake up in the middle of the night and see their partner quietly closing a window. Their rational mind knows there's no threat — but the body responds with a surge of panic. This is the nervous system's learned survival response, resurfacing in a moment of perceived danger.

How Trauma Impacts Relationships

The body’s felt sense of safety doesn’t just affect how we respond to the environment — it deeply influences how we relate to others.

These reactions aren't about overreacting or being difficult. They're about survival. They come from a nervous system shaped by experience — often, painful ones.

Beneath the Surface of Conflict

In many relationships, the real argument isn’t about who left the dishes out or who didn’t reply to a text. It’s about something much deeper: safety.

When one or both partners feel unsafe — emotionally or physically — the nervous system responds. Anger, withdrawal, defensiveness… these are protective responses to a perceived threat, even if that threat isn't visible or logical.

A Real-World Example: Safety and Misunderstanding

Imagine someone is scheduled for a difficult medical procedure. They feel anxious but trust their partner will be by their side. At the last minute, the partner has an unexpected injury and can’t be there.

The mind understands — accidents happen. But the body feels abandoned. Betrayed. The pain of being alone in a vulnerable moment brings up a flood of emotions, far bigger than the situation alone would suggest.

These moments are often where past trauma collides with the present. Without space to process and name the body’s felt sense of danger, misunderstandings grow, and connection frays.

Supporting the Body’s Sense of Safety

So how do we support the body in regaining a sense of safety — especially in moments when it feels anything but?

Here are a few gentle ways:

1. Pause and Orient

Look around the space you’re in. Notice what’s actually here — the light coming through the window, the ground beneath your feet, the sound of your own breath. These small observations help anchor the nervous system to the present.

2. Connect Socially

When it's possible, engage in safe, non-stressful connection — a calming conversation, a hand on the shoulder, sitting quietly with someone you trust. The nervous system is wired for co-regulation.

3. Name What You Feel

Give language to what your body is experiencing — even if it seems irrational. “I know you’re just leaving for work, but my body is afraid you won’t come back.” Naming the felt sense can reduce its power and bring clarity and compassion into your relationships.

4. Validate Without Judgment

Rather than judging yourself for overreacting, offer understanding. The body is remembering something — not making something up. That reaction is a sign that a part of you needs care, not criticism.

Healing Begins with Understanding

Trauma may teach the body to prepare for danger — but healing is possible when we begin to listen, to understand, and to tend to those signals with care.

In somatic therapy therapy, we learn to tune in to the felt sense of safety and gently explore what’s underneath. With time and support, the body can learn that it doesn’t have to stay in a state of vigilance. It can rest again. It can trust again.

Safety, after all, is not just the absence of threat. It is the presence of connection, compassion, and calm.